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The Grit

Married but not Loved | Denise

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How does a woman allow herself to love again after marriage? 

"I don’t know who coined the phrase "It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. There are moments when I agree with that statement and there are moments when I disagree. Let me set the record straight from the beginning. I have been in love, but I’ve never experienced anyone having been in love with me. I have been married – twice, but they were relationships of convenience. It took little time to realize that my first marriage was based upon financial gain (i.e., my additional income) and my second marriage based upon the biblical teaching that it’s better to marry than to burn. In other words, you don’t have sex outside of marriage.

I was never a prude when it came to love or sexuality, and I looked forward to marrying someone who was like-minded; someone who was loving, passionate, smart, funny, and would make a great father. You know, all the stuff most of us ladies want! However, for more reasons than I could even begin to articulate, most of what I wanted never came to fruition. In hindsight I certainly could have made better choices, but I didn’t know to ask the right questions of the men I married prior to making the commitments. My first marriage was cold. He admitted that he did not love me. He eventually divorced me. My second marriage could be dangerously tumultuous, and it had no real substance, and we had nothing in common, but it did produced 4 wonderful children – that, I am proud of.

After leaving my 2nd husband of 16 years, my focus was on raising my children and providing them and myself with stability. My thoughts and my feelings were focused on my children. There were times we struggled, but we made it! Then one day I fell in love with someone, quite un-expectantly. That experience brought out things in me I didn’t know existed. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Will I fall in love again? I don’t know. I’m older, very cautious, and very guarded of my heart. At the end of the day, I still want what I wanted when I was young; someone who is like-minded; someone who will love me back, passionate, smart, funny, and a great father"